po-po

fortunately, calling the cops on the new-bros is just as satisfying as was calling the cops on the old-bros.

dear god, pleeeeease let this show be real. love, bruns

explorer bros

i like to keep this blog topical, so today we'll discuss the bro blog that is currently stealing all of my rad ideas and the bro "explorer" who stole all of the tainos' land and then some. that's right, if you hadn't noticed, monday is columbus day. bros love this holiday because it means a three-day weekend and another night of boozin'. but maybe they also love him because he was a little bit of a bro. yeah, i said it. the biggest bro of 1492?

christopher "no means yes" columbus

don't believe me? take a look at these defining bro-tastic characteristics as outlined by the aforementioned idea-stealing blog:

• #2 stealing shit. i think we already covered this one; christopher columbus LOVED stealing shit. land, food, unwilling women, etc. cc loved taking stuff that wasn't his.
• #44 making girls cry. he raped women and girls and made them sex slaves. enough said.
• #3 calling girls sl*ts. gah, the s word! cc looooooved calling people/inanimate objects/etc. female prostitutes, so much so that he named his ships after them. little known fact about the nina, the pinta, and the santa maria? they're the censored names given by the church historians. cc's ships were actually called the nina (the girl, or rather, the "working" girl), the pintada (the "painted" one, as in the girl who wears make-up, i.e., the prostitute), and the maria galante (the surname of a "lady of leisure"). dude loved calling ships sl*ts.
• #8 rolling deep and # 21 bros only vacations. speaking of those ships, why vacay to america with only one yacht of dudes? hell no, cc showed up fashionably late with three ships of dudes ready to paaaaaaaaaaarty.
• #33 playing with fire and #57 not caring about the environment. where do we even begin with this one? for starters, when cc first landed on hispaniola in 1492, virtually the entire island was covered by lush forest. now, it looks like somebody took a blowtorch and burned away anything green. thanks, columbus!!!!
• and lastly, #63 loving america. like all bros, cc loved america as only a white, het male can. america, fuck yeah!

with all this evidence, can you really deny that fact that christopher columbus was the original broseph? perhaps that's being far too kind to cc and far too cruel to the brosephs to put them all in same camp. the dude was an effing tyrannical asshole!!!!

stay tuned for the next installment of the GREATEST BROSEPHS OF OUR TIME. happy columbus day, everyone!!!

nobody can [do a keg stand / crush a beer can / pop a collar] like gaston!!!

so appaaaaaaarently some of you didn't find the tale of a long-gone-see-you-never bro as titillating as a doing-crazy-shit-right-now-next-door bro. fine, whatever, at least my mom thinks the last post was funny. and because all i really care about is what mama bruns thinks, i shall move on to the genre of fictional bros for today's installment of GREATEST BROSEPHS OF ALL TIME, or whatever. anyway, let's discuss:

mother effin' gaston
from disney's beauty and the beast
oh darn. wrong picture.

anyway, let's review his stats, shall we?

• like the aforementioned warren g., gaston enjoys boozing, fighting, and spitting (okay, i don't know if warren g. actually liked spitting, but one can assume)
• and like my old brosephs, he doesn't believe in women telling him no
• and like pretty much every broseph, he likes beer! especially after a girl disses him
  
• he likes to throw parties! albeit surprise wedding ones
• he likes to talk about his biceps! and how hairy he is!
  
• and of course, he'd get into fisticuffs any day over a broad; even if that means death. and it did. whoopsies, gaston!

so there you have it folks. did this make you miss the old brosephs a little less? no??? yeah, me neither.

historical bros

since the present is lacking in comedic antics of neighborhood brosephs, it's time to turn our sights to the past. inspired by erik's post on russian monk bros, i am going to elaborate on my own worthy suggestion:

warren g. harding

let's review the facts, shall we?

• harding's 2 years as president were consumed with drinking booze, boning mistresses, and gambling away the white house china with his "poker cabinet"
• he played ping pong daily (whether there was beer in cups on the other side of the table is debatable)
• he owned so many clothes that they had to add extra closets to the white house (can you say pink polo shirts???)
• he didn't really like to work very hard
• he made up words! like normalcy (or brah or brohan or broseph?)
• he liked hanging out (and probably boozing) on front porches
• and lastly, LOOK AT HIS LADY FRIENDS! they're total brosephinas:

well, that's it for now, folks. stayed tuned for further brofiles!

bro-tainment

gotta love that i have a front row seat to the crew boys' destruction of the rest of their furniture. life is going to get really boring when it becomes too cold for outdoor-household-belongings-decimation parties.

oh shit, one of them almost got run over by a car!

jimmy was right

the crew team is boring. morning erging, afternoon erging, late night erging, shirtless erging, synchronized erging, porch erging, driveway erging. UGH. enough with the grunting already! bring back the bros.

new intel

met the nice lady next door who explained the mystery behind the late night grunting on the erg machine. apparently the house across the street houses the entire roster of the university men's crew team. and the house to its right? houses an absurd number of crew team alums. awesome.

swear to god, i'm a bro magnet.

last night . . .

i feel asleep to the sweet sound of
GRUNT!
GRUNT!
GRUNT!
from the bro across the street
as he worked out on his porch
on one of these:

it's gonna be a gooooood year.

new digs

much to the chagrin of many of my devoted readers, i moved down the street on friday to escape my beloved/loathed brosephs. there have been cries of concern: "what will happen to my most favorite blog?" "does this spell the end for bruns and the brosephs???" and the occasional threat: "i just committed identity theft and renewed your lease."

well, i'm here to quell your fears, my gentle readership. why just today my morning entertainment included watching two brosephs clean up the remains of a 6-piece dining room set, some lawn chairs, and a bbq grill scattered across both lanes of the main thoroughfare between our two homes (casualties of last night's celebratory activities, obvs). the best part? they had matching navy gym shorts and blue camo shirts. BRO CLONES! the old place never had those!

and so, ladies and gentlemen, i assure you:
THE BLOG LIVES!!!!!

bruns is BACK!

i encountered my first of the replacement bros this afternoon when he was giving a tour of the "estate" with--count 'em--FOUR lady friends. their tour mainly consisted of hanging out on my back porch drinking some high class beverage in plastic red cups.

i encountered the rest of the new bros over the last couple hours when i had to tell them to shut the H up not one, not two, but three times! the old bros never made me trek down the stairs more than once. makes me kind of miss 'em! (emphasis on "kind of.")

email from my landlord

"Enclosed is a cleaning checklist that we ask you to complete upon move out. Please be sure to remove all personal items and debris, as we do charge for removal of trash and other items left behind. This does include beer pong tables and grills."

at least she knows what she's dealing with.

bro touch with a semi-bro

update tomorrow.

sup brah??

found myself in the marina district this afternoon (long story, don't ask), and after almost getting run over by a dude in his miata, ended up popping into a walgreens. given the environs, the friendly neighborhood drugstore had a definite fratmosphere, perhaps because it carried BRO HATS. i am not even shitting you.



a stylish visor for the balding broseph???

reunited and it feels . . . just okay?

after a long reprieve from the brosephs of the world, i had the pleasure of viewing a half-hour bro wrestling/cuddling match underneath the fireworks in dolores park. my favorite part was when bro #1 sat on the face of bro #2 and yelled "lick my ball sack! lick my ball sack! lick my ball sack!" god bless america.

you cannot fake awesome

treasures from the marina

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

out with the old...


in with the new...


bonus points if you get the reference(s)!

bro pro

at least the brosephs never mugged me at gunpoint. y'know, unlike my new neighbors. :(

today's brocabulary lesson

bro-a-sis [broh-ey-sis]:
1. a situation or place preserved from surrounding reality, made so by the presence of bros, booze, arrogance, parental credit cards, and newly-minted bachelor's degrees.

used in a sentence: i can't wait to take shots of fernet and jager with my brohans in the marina this weekend; it's such a broasis from the rigors of my nondescript financial job and high-maintenance velour-clad girlfriend. HIGH FIVE!

close encounters of the bro-kind

so as my flight touched down in san francisco, the gelled-up aging bro (o.b.? original broseph?) seated in front of me whipped out his bbry to let his brah know he was in "FRISCOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

thankfully, it turns out it was just a stopover for the o.b. and he was continuing on to palm springs. obvs.

last night

downstairs ed got mad at me because i NEVER say hi to him and i ALWAYS say hi to upstairs mike. i told him that mike and i developed a very close bond this year because i always had to tell him to shut the H up.

yeesh, brosephs are so high maintenance.

brotending

(646): ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
(812): ?
(646): Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

via texts from last night. (thanks rachel!)

in case this whole law school thing doesn't work out...

Seeking Full-Time Writer Who Understands Bro Demographic

---

Reply to: job-tsmxq-1156335015@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-05-05, 6:36PM EDT


BroBible.com, a website that targets the 18-35 year-old socially active, upwardly mobile Bro is seeking a full-time writer to write 5 to 7 blog posts per day and help coordinate additional coverage by other freelance writers. This position will work closely with both the Editor and CEO of the site in guiding the general direction of the site, but will serve as the site's primary voice of the "Bro." Candidates should relish the Bro lifestyle, including sports, sex/women, partying, fitness/food/drink, entertainment, tech/gear/fashion, business, travel, and more. Candidates should have a killer sense of humor and not be afraid to let loose with an original, hilarious, knowledgeable, and consistent Bro voice. Our goal, however, is not to appeal to the lowest common denominator of the demographic, but rather to serve as an authoritative voice for all Bros. Candidates should also have a firm knowledge of the most relevant websites and other media that Bros love as well as where to find prime material for the site. That said, we're looking for someone who can churn out solid original content, not just quick commentary on the latest funny video making the rounds. Previous blogging and HTML experience a MUST; additional print writing experience highly encouraged. Send a quick cover letter, resume, and five writing clips to brobiblecasting@gmail.com. Make sure you've checked out the site before you apply!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/wri/1156335015.html (thanks blake!)

see you never, brosephs

(be glad i didn't provide a close-up of that mattress...)

i'm a bro magnet

so the dude next to me just whipped up a protein shake in the library. wtf.

non-stop party, brah!

when i was leaving for the library this morning [let's be honest, this afternoon] the brosephs were having a party upstairs while the "merry maids" they had hired were cleaning up last night's party downstairs.

dude, there's no time for lysol when you're graduating in 48 hours!!!!! SHOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

overheard next door

as mike took a lady-friend into his apartment: "i just know we have so much in common."











i'm 100% serious.

but seriously...

is there a way i can disconnect my doorbell without electrocuting myself??? help!!!

open question to the brosephs

dear bros,

how is ringing my doorbell 387 times and holding the bell down for minutes at a time so it makes this really weird gurgling noise entertaining? just wonderin'.

love,
bruns

ps, thanks for not effing me over last night. xoxo.

open letter to the brosephs

dear bros,

thank you so much for being moderately respectful and somewhat subdued this finals period. please please please keep it up for at least one more day, because if you don't, I. WILL. CUT. YOU.

love,
bruns

ps, i'm pretty sure this amounts to a "true threat" (unprotected speech, holla!), so watch out.

it wouldn't be a saturday night...

...if it didn't take 10 minutes to get into my apartment.

(you can barely make out the requisite beer bong lying on the ground, but trust me, it's there.)

finals shminals

my final exam grades will probably not benefit from my newly adopted policy of watching an episode of friday night lights every time the bros make it too loud to study and/or sleep.

don't let the countdown scare you

so one of the bros asked me the other day if he could sublet my place this summer. i'll be in SF, so sure, why not? it later dawned on me that this might be the answer to "what happens to 'bruns and the brosephs' in 9 days when the bros graduate?" the answer is probably a weekly summer feature entitled "shit doug broke this week." i imagine it wouldn't be long before i got a few emails of the "dear bruns, we accidentally burned your couch this weekend" variety.

alternatively, i am willing to live in the marina or cow hollow if y'all subsidize my rent. if you really love my blog as much as you say you do, then this is a small price to pay. think of it as tithing.

formal FAIL

despite my prom dress wearing, my sighing, my fake tan applying, my hair straightening, and my repeated gesturing of "the shocker," i have failed to gain a spot at the [redacted] fraternity's formal of spring 2k9. the discovery occurred this afternoon as i had to walk through the corridor of finely dressed brosephs and brosephinas sipping labatt blue light on my porch not once, not twice, but three times (i forgot my phone). they said "hey bruns," but inside i knew that that really meant "you're worth a little less because you don't get to come to our formal."

don't think i'm not sad about it; a year-long dream up in smoke.

it's not my fault the bros are being well-behaved

i got nothin' lately, but here is some bro entertainment to keep you occupied in the meantime. i recommend starting with page two, since page one will only get you some homemade bro beats.

oof

wednesday night birthday parties that last until 5 am

=


&


&


&

attn: loyal readers

i need your help!

so, pretend for a moment that hypothetically there's a spring formal coming up for a local fraternity. how would you get yourself invited (again, hypothetically) to said formal if you happened to be the girl next door? i mean, literally the girl next door.

here, a visual to aid in the hypothetical brainstorming:

(bigger!)

hypothetical advice in the comments, please.

secrets from the inside

if you were a bro with a carpeted 10x10 living room, how would you furnish it? the upstairs bros would probably agree that there are 3 decorational mainstays.

1. a big screen tv.


2. a couch that you should probably think twice about sitting on.


and 3. a regulation sized beer pong table, natch.


only a true broseph understands that it doesn't matter that these things technically don't fit or that the carpet technically has a beer stench that no amount of steam cleaning will ever remedy or that late night rounds of beirut will technically keep the girl next door awake until 4 am. these are just the sacrifices one makes to technically live like a bro in a sometimes chilly midwestern climate.

bruns and the brosephs is on facebook!

everybody's on facebook these days, even bros; so become a fan of bruns and the brosephs! there you will find my homage to bromances and much, much more!!!! (not true; the homage is really all i got right now.)

the code has been cracked

apparently, just asking works.

so if you're laid up with a 101.1 degree fever and you haven't left your bed all day and your kind friend has given up his sunday to take care of you, then just make said friend go over there and say, "dudes, what's the internet password?" the answer will be your own stupid address, no space.

pps

i'm not wearing green today in silent brotest. that'll show 'em.

ps

i just ran into kyle and some brosephs and brosephinas coming back to the house from fratville to pee. kyle's yelling, "urgent! it's urgent!! i gotta pee!!!" then he sees me and starts yelling, "[bruns]! [bruns]!! [bruuuuns]!!!!" and puts up his hand for a high 5. i give it to him as i say "thanks for the wake-up call this morning." he responds, "i love you, too!!!!!"

effing st. patrick's day

can you really celebrate a semi-fake holiday twice? the brosephs think you can. and so on this national bro-holiday (broliday?) part deux, i get up at 7 because ear plugs don't do shit for bass.

"you would really like my mom"

it's 4 am on a wednesday night (or thursday morning?), the bros have been o.o.c. for hours, and it's 99% likely that the apartment next door is now in shambles. so i suck it up and go over there. i knock on the door and immediately hear lots of brohan bodies run for the door. but then there's a pause. i can guess that they're looking at me through the peep hole: "oh shit, it's [bruns]." another long pause. the lock clicks and mike slooooowly pokes his head out.

me: so, dude, the walls are thin, i can hear everything, can you guys please keep it down?
mike: don't worry! we're about to go fuck with shit outside.
me: but it's wednesday and 4 am and 20 degrees out and don't y'all have class and shit? 'cause i do and i'm tired.
cacophony of bros in the background: WE HAVE JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: good, but i worry about your choices. mostly because they're loud and keep me up at night.
mike: but we're gonna go fuck with shit someplace else. and we promise we'll be quiet when we come back.
me: okay, whatever, don't be stupid.
mike: you would really like my mom.
me: well, that depends--is she loud?

::some indecipherable jokes about mike's mom from the peanut gallery::

on that note, i turn around and go back inside my apartment. a few minutes later i can hear them in the stairwell shushing and giggling with one another. basically, when they're not bros, they're 11 year old schoolgirls.

the gradual softening of their yells of homophobic slurs as they run off together into the distance marks the end of yet another bro encounter of the 4 am kind. sadly, as you can see, the topic of the new internet password did not come up.

today's brocabulary lesson

bro-tal-i-tar-i-an-ism [broh-tal-i-tair-ee-uh-niz-uhm]:
1. a living regime that is centralized and requires absolute subservience to the bros, especially when exercised with brotality; e.g., this, this, or this.

FML

i hesitated putting this up because it just feels gross and not that funny, but then those feelings were outweighed by my need to share the full extent of living with the brosephs. so i'm white-ing it out to protect the innocent-minded among us (highlight it if you so choose).

here's what i fell asleep to last night: "my buddy blasted a load on your girlfriend's face. face blast! FACE BLAST! FACE BLAST!!!!!!!!!!" then a little while later they grunted my name outside my front door until they eventually scurried off to go harass someone else.

less than two months, less than two months, less than two months . . .

i forgot that there's no sleep on thursdays

kyle's sitting in the stairwell, in the dark, drunk-dialing his home-bros about coming to visit. his method of enticement is expounding on all the drink specials at his favorite local watering holes. right now he's describing a bar with 50 cent margaritas that increase in price at a rate of a dollar an hour, but then top out at $3.50. "3.50!!!!!!" he says. (he's really excited about these margaritas. i kind of am, too--where is this place?) oh wait, he's signing off: "dude, dude, yagottacome, yagottacome. but! but! come for a thursday. latessss."

still internetless . . .

. . . and still searching for a replacement. there are a few new ones since my first post. some favorites include the straight-forward "Meat," the offensive but expected "fuckstick," the bewildering "i'm throwing uppp" [sic], and the pleading "leave britney alone." for a second, i thought the last one might be the brosephs', until i realized that the signal was too weak to be coming from downstairs.

is this war?

so i think the bros have found the blog and have retaliated by cutting me off from their internet. "Frat" has been replaced with "Detroit Red Wings Suck Dick" and none of the inappropriate words/phrases/etc. i've tried as passwords has worked thus far.

clearly, however, as evidenced by this post, it will take much more to silence this bruns and stop this brotest.

new banner!

because clearly my talents/interests/etc. lie outside the sphere of law.

edit: here's the old mspaint one for the sake of posterity.

when the bros are away, the bruns will play

so it's been a bit quiet around here lately with the bros down in nola. perhaps TOO quiet. so, i took matters into my own hands and started busting some stuff up.

first? my front door:

not sure what's next; i'll keep you updated.

addendum to the last post

i forgot to mention that i also discovered that the brosephs are headed to new orleans next week for a little mardi gras action. the theme of their trip is "no means yes."

AHAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

brobook

so i stumbled upon one of the brosephs on facebook (believe it or not, we have mutual friends), and it was enlightening to say the least.

there are some very telling status messages:
Pregame at [my address] tonight. 5:30pm
Sober for now, not going to be soon. 6:41pm
Exclaims party at [my address] Friday night- kegs, liquor, bags of vino. 8:13pm
Just won a drinking competition before it started. 2:08am

Is ready to drink at some bar with a porn-stache... 1:34pm
Is drinking with good looking fellows and ladies at [my address]. 8:32pm
So, as it turns out, if you don't go drinking tomorrow you are a pussy... 8:47pm

Big pregame here tonight... Many drinks, lovely ladies, drunk boys. 3:29pm

[i bet "lovely ladies" includes me.]

and some very telling events:
Party at [my address]
Type: Party - Night of Mayhem

Start Time: Friday, September 26, 2008 at 9:30pm
End Time: Saturday, September 27, 2008 at 5:00am

Description
Because rush is over and we have kegs

[their picture, not mine.]

and some very telling comments on said event's info page:
bro #1: why did you only invite 42 people? if you dont have enough friends for a party [bro #2], you shouldnt throw one.
bro #2: [bro #1]. Your dick is small
bro #1: then why do you keep sending me personal messages asking to see it.
bro #3: [bro #4]'s gf is coming? I call dibbbbbbbbs....

[you can't make this shit up, folks.]

if i were a bro . . .

thanks jordan!

the room where you live

i just had a random bro stop by (a bro-by?) who's living here next year with his buddy. he pointed to the room adjacent to my kitchen which includes my sofa, coffee table, bookcase, and tv and said, "this is my bedroom!!!" cool, dude.

so i'm currently writing this from my 2nd bedroom. (y'all didn't know i was so fancy, did you?)

my doorbell is not a brobell

sooooo, my doorbell at the bottom of the stairs? the one that's loud enough to wake me up at 4 in the morning? quit messing with it!

part of me wants to put a little sticker next to it that says "this belongs to the cute blonde girl sleeping soundly upstairs" so they don't get it confused with the other broham doorbells, but the other part of me just knows that means they'd hit it a million times more.

a brosephs' quarrel

one of the upstairs bros and his buddy can't figure out how to open the apartment door again. the buddy just said to the bro: "it's a good thing i'm not a girl 'cuz i would've lost interest by now." the bro retorted back: "well, maybe you shouldn't've lost the spare key i made you." ooooh, burn!

chief den mom!

i just came home to a broseph birthday party downstairs and a huge 70 pound box sent by my mom on the porch. as i struggled to maneuver the box inside, an unknown bro came outside to help. at first he was confused (read: drunk).

bro #1: what are you doing?
me: trying to take this upstairs.
bro #1: upstairs??
me: yeah, i live up there.
bro #1: with the DUDES?!?
me: no, i have my own apartment.
bro #1: wait, no. HERE?!?

he didn't believe me. bros #2 and #3 came out to help. they dismissed bro #1 when i confirmed that there was breakable stuff inside, asked whether there were any cookies when i said it was from my mom, and carried the box upstairs and into my apartment.

bro #2: man, it smells gooooooood in here...
bro #3: like a girrrrrrrrrrrl...
me: well, yeah, okay, thanks guys. uh, have fun tonight. make good choices!
bro #2: thanks. you're like our den mom.
bro #3: like a CHIEF den mom.
me: yeah. kinda.
bro #2: it ain't easy watching over us.
me: it sure ain't. it suuuuure ain't.

BRO-DOWN!!!!!!!!

broseph taxi fight outside my apartment 5 seconds ago:

"AND THAT'S WHY NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL LIKE YOU!" followed by a taxi door to the face!

discoveries, debates, and decisions

i'm considering a re-name of the blog to "bruns and the brosephs and the unidentified critter."

while i mull over this decision, let's take some guesses as to the identity of my newest roommate:

chinchilla! yes please.

chipmunk? could be.

i don't even want to mess with the (o)possum gods by joking about this one...

oh jesus, oh jesus, oh jesus...

and if i'm super lucky...
A RED PANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from wikipedia:

Red Pandas are very skillful and acrobatic animals that live predominantly in trees. They live in territories, frequently alone, and only rarely live in pairs or in groups of families.

but sometimes with nine brosephs!

They are very quiet except for some twittering and whistling communication sounds. They search for food at night, running along the ground or through the trees with speed and agility and, after finding food, use their front paws to place the food into their mouths.

that explains all the noises i've been hearing! they're scavenging for leftover cottage inn!

Red pandas drink by plunging their paw into the water and licking their paws.

don't go dippin' those paws into random red cups, lil fellas!

so in conclusion, get ready for brunsandthebrosephsandtheREDPANDA.blogspot.com.

i think the upstairs brosephs have a new critter. i've been hearing sounds of tiny paw feet from my ceiling all day. i hope it's a puppy!!!!!!!! but it's probably a ferret.

thumbs up!


thumbs down!

babies become bros and bros have birthdays

whoa brah! it's keith/doug/mike/kevin/joey/who-the-fuck-cares' birthday! let's get blackout 'til sunday! and do stupid shit we don't remember! and break everything in sight because college is all about having FUN! and getting WASTED! and pumpkin-colored girls in UGGS! and keeping the cute law student next door awake at ALL HOURS!!!!!!!

whatever, SHOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!