Saturday, October 10, 2009

explorer bros

i like to keep this blog topical, so today we'll discuss the bro blog that is currently stealing all of my rad ideas and the bro "explorer" who stole all of the tainos' land and then some. that's right, if you hadn't noticed, monday is columbus day. bros love this holiday because it means a three-day weekend and another night of boozin'. but maybe they also love him because he was a little bit of a bro. yeah, i said it. the biggest bro of 1492?

christopher "no means yes" columbus

don't believe me? take a look at these defining bro-tastic characteristics as outlined by the aforementioned idea-stealing blog:
  • #2 stealing shit. i think we already covered this one; christopher columbus LOVED stealing shit. land, food, unwilling women, etc. cc loved taking stuff that wasn't his.
  • #44 making girls cry. he raped women and girls and made them sex slaves. enough said.
  • #3 calling girls sl*ts. gah, the s word! cc looooooved calling people/inanimate objects/etc. female prostitutes, so much so that he named his ships after them. little known fact about the nina, the pinta, and the santa maria? they're the censored names given by the church historians. cc's ships were actually called the nina (the girl, or rather, the "working" girl), the pintada (the "painted" one, as in the girl who wears make-up, i.e., the prostitute), and the maria galante (the surname of a "lady of leisure"). dude loved calling ships sl*ts.
  • #8 rolling deep and # 21 bros only vacations. speaking of those ships, why vacay to america with only one yacht of dudes? hell no, cc showed up fashionably late with three ships of dudes ready to paaaaaaaaaaarty.
  • #33 playing with fire and #57 not caring about the environment. where do we even begin with this one? for starters, when cc first landed on hispaniola in 1492, virtually the entire island was covered by lush forest. now, it looks like somebody took a blowtorch and burned away anything green. thanks, columbus!!!!
  • and lastly, #63 loving america. like all bros, cc loved america as only a white, het male can. america, fuck yeah!
with all this evidence, can you really deny that fact that christopher columbus was the original broseph? perhaps that's being far too kind to cc and far too cruel to the brosephs to put them all in same camp. the dude was an effing tyrannical asshole!!!!

stay tuned for the next installment of the GREATEST BROSEPHS OF OUR TIME. happy columbus day, everyone!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

nobody can [do a keg stand / crush a beer can / pop a collar] like gaston!!!

so appaaaaaaarently some of you didn't find the tale of a long-gone-see-you-never bro as titillating as a doing-crazy-shit-right-now-next-door bro. fine, whatever, at least my mom thinks the last post was funny. and because all i really care about is what mama bruns thinks, i shall move on to the genre of fictional bros for today's installment of GREATEST BROSEPHS OF ALL TIME, or whatever. anyway, let's discuss:

mother effin' gaston
from disney's beauty and the beast
oh darn. wrong picture.

anyway, let's review his stats, shall we?
  • like the aforementioned warren g., gaston enjoys boozing, fighting, and spitting (okay, i don't know if warren g. actually liked spitting, but one can assume)
  • and like my old brosephs, he doesn't believe in women telling him no
  • and like pretty much every broseph, he likes beer! especially after a girl disses him
  • he likes to throw parties! albeit surprise wedding ones
  • he likes to talk about his biceps! and how hairy he is!
  • and of course, he'd get into fisticuffs any day over a broad; even if that means death. and it did. whoopsies, gaston!
so there you have it folks. did this make you miss the old brosephs a little less? no??? yeah, me neither.

Monday, October 5, 2009

historical bros

since the present is lacking in comedic antics of neighborhood brosephs, it's time to turn our sights to the past. inspired by erik's post on russian monk bros, i am going to elaborate on my own worthy suggestion:

warren g. harding

let's review the facts, shall we?
  • harding's 2 years as president were consumed with drinking booze, boning mistresses, and gambling away the white house china with his "poker cabinet"
  • he played ping pong daily (whether there was beer in cups on the other side of the table is debatable)
  • he owned so many clothes that they had to add extra closets to the white house (can you say pink polo shirts???)
  • he didn't really like to work very hard
  • he made up words! like normalcy (or brah or brohan or broseph?)
  • he liked hanging out (and probably boozing) on front porches
  • and lastly, LOOK AT HIS LADY FRIENDS! they're total brosephinas:

well, that's it for now, folks. stayed tuned for further brofiles!