dear god, pleeeeease let this show be real. love, bruns

explorer bros

i like to keep this blog topical, so today we'll discuss the bro blog that is currently stealing all of my rad ideas and the bro "explorer" who stole all of the tainos' land and then some. that's right, if you hadn't noticed, monday is columbus day. bros love this holiday because it means a three-day weekend and another night of boozin'. but maybe they also love him because he was a little bit of a bro. yeah, i said it. the biggest bro of 1492?

christopher "no means yes" columbus

don't believe me? take a look at these defining bro-tastic characteristics as outlined by the aforementioned idea-stealing blog:

• #2 stealing shit. i think we already covered this one; christopher columbus LOVED stealing shit. land, food, unwilling women, etc. cc loved taking stuff that wasn't his.
• #44 making girls cry. he raped women and girls and made them sex slaves. enough said.
• #3 calling girls sl*ts. gah, the s word! cc looooooved calling people/inanimate objects/etc. female prostitutes, so much so that he named his ships after them. little known fact about the nina, the pinta, and the santa maria? they're the censored names given by the church historians. cc's ships were actually called the nina (the girl, or rather, the "working" girl), the pintada (the "painted" one, as in the girl who wears make-up, i.e., the prostitute), and the maria galante (the surname of a "lady of leisure"). dude loved calling ships sl*ts.
• #8 rolling deep and # 21 bros only vacations. speaking of those ships, why vacay to america with only one yacht of dudes? hell no, cc showed up fashionably late with three ships of dudes ready to paaaaaaaaaaarty.
• #33 playing with fire and #57 not caring about the environment. where do we even begin with this one? for starters, when cc first landed on hispaniola in 1492, virtually the entire island was covered by lush forest. now, it looks like somebody took a blowtorch and burned away anything green. thanks, columbus!!!!
• and lastly, #63 loving america. like all bros, cc loved america as only a white, het male can. america, fuck yeah!

with all this evidence, can you really deny that fact that christopher columbus was the original broseph? perhaps that's being far too kind to cc and far too cruel to the brosephs to put them all in same camp. the dude was an effing tyrannical asshole!!!!

stay tuned for the next installment of the GREATEST BROSEPHS OF OUR TIME. happy columbus day, everyone!!!

nobody can [do a keg stand / crush a beer can / pop a collar] like gaston!!!

so appaaaaaaarently some of you didn't find the tale of a long-gone-see-you-never bro as titillating as a doing-crazy-shit-right-now-next-door bro. fine, whatever, at least my mom thinks the last post was funny. and because all i really care about is what mama bruns thinks, i shall move on to the genre of fictional bros for today's installment of GREATEST BROSEPHS OF ALL TIME, or whatever. anyway, let's discuss:

mother effin' gaston
from disney's beauty and the beast
oh darn. wrong picture.

anyway, let's review his stats, shall we?

• like the aforementioned warren g., gaston enjoys boozing, fighting, and spitting (okay, i don't know if warren g. actually liked spitting, but one can assume)
• and like my old brosephs, he doesn't believe in women telling him no
• and like pretty much every broseph, he likes beer! especially after a girl disses him
  
• he likes to throw parties! albeit surprise wedding ones
• he likes to talk about his biceps! and how hairy he is!
  
• and of course, he'd get into fisticuffs any day over a broad; even if that means death. and it did. whoopsies, gaston!

so there you have it folks. did this make you miss the old brosephs a little less? no??? yeah, me neither.

historical bros

since the present is lacking in comedic antics of neighborhood brosephs, it's time to turn our sights to the past. inspired by erik's post on russian monk bros, i am going to elaborate on my own worthy suggestion:

warren g. harding

let's review the facts, shall we?

• harding's 2 years as president were consumed with drinking booze, boning mistresses, and gambling away the white house china with his "poker cabinet"
• he played ping pong daily (whether there was beer in cups on the other side of the table is debatable)
• he owned so many clothes that they had to add extra closets to the white house (can you say pink polo shirts???)
• he didn't really like to work very hard
• he made up words! like normalcy (or brah or brohan or broseph?)
• he liked hanging out (and probably boozing) on front porches
• and lastly, LOOK AT HIS LADY FRIENDS! they're total brosephinas:

well, that's it for now, folks. stayed tuned for further brofiles!

bro-tainment

gotta love that i have a front row seat to the crew boys' destruction of the rest of their furniture. life is going to get really boring when it becomes too cold for outdoor-household-belongings-decimation parties.

oh shit, one of them almost got run over by a car!

jimmy was right

the crew team is boring. morning erging, afternoon erging, late night erging, shirtless erging, synchronized erging, porch erging, driveway erging. UGH. enough with the grunting already! bring back the bros.

new intel

met the nice lady next door who explained the mystery behind the late night grunting on the erg machine. apparently the house across the street houses the entire roster of the university men's crew team. and the house to its right? houses an absurd number of crew team alums. awesome.

swear to god, i'm a bro magnet.

last night . . .

i feel asleep to the sweet sound of
GRUNT!
GRUNT!
GRUNT!
from the bro across the street
as he worked out on his porch
on one of these:

it's gonna be a gooooood year.

new digs

much to the chagrin of many of my devoted readers, i moved down the street on friday to escape my beloved/loathed brosephs. there have been cries of concern: "what will happen to my most favorite blog?" "does this spell the end for bruns and the brosephs???" and the occasional threat: "i just committed identity theft and renewed your lease."

well, i'm here to quell your fears, my gentle readership. why just today my morning entertainment included watching two brosephs clean up the remains of a 6-piece dining room set, some lawn chairs, and a bbq grill scattered across both lanes of the main thoroughfare between our two homes (casualties of last night's celebratory activities, obvs). the best part? they had matching navy gym shorts and blue camo shirts. BRO CLONES! the old place never had those!

and so, ladies and gentlemen, i assure you:
THE BLOG LIVES!!!!!

bruns is BACK!

i encountered my first of the replacement bros this afternoon when he was giving a tour of the "estate" with--count 'em--FOUR lady friends. their tour mainly consisted of hanging out on my back porch drinking some high class beverage in plastic red cups.

i encountered the rest of the new bros over the last couple hours when i had to tell them to shut the H up not one, not two, but three times! the old bros never made me trek down the stairs more than once. makes me kind of miss 'em! (emphasis on "kind of.")